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handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
I’m giving up for Lent.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here