Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
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what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.
smh
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.