Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
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My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I put the mess in domestic.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
jesus christ confetti not now
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.