Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
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“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.