Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
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[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
you’re so productive for your wage
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Favourite diary entry ever
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets