Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
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Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
💀🤣
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction