Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
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Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.