Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
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Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!