Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
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Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
What legos do when we’re not looking.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.