Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
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A duv-egg? In this economy?
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
#MeanwhileInCanada
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age