Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
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My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”