Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
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If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
