difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
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Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
i baked you a cake
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!