difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
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Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
me, too, girl. me, too.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.