Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Me as a therapist: omg same
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume