Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
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Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl