Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
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If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.