Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
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Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
$4 #usedbooks
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.