Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
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[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
