Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
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At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Happy Thanksgiving
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
But I really needed water water water
#DesignFail
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible