Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
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Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.