Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident. 

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland