Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.

TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.

ASSISTANT: Like who?

TRUMP:

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

Who’s drunk

*raises leg

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

this made my day 😂

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!