Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
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my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
sailors wish they could swear like me
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata