Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
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Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.