Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
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Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”