@TasiaBass28

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

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@ElleOhHell

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

@kibblesmith

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

@mela_shea

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

@thomas_violence

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

@UnderTheJewFro

If someone ever challenges you to a fight, pull your pants off and chase them crotch first. I’m currently undefeated with this method.

@IamEnidColeslaw

That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.

@jazz_inmypants

[Heaven]

Air Bud: who’s the new guy

Clifford: idk but he’s cute

[earlier that day]

Scooby Doo: *texting and driving*

@perlhack

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

@FredTaming

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

@aotakeo

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom