BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
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Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
If someone ever challenges you to a fight, pull your pants off and chase them crotch first. I’m currently undefeated with this method.
That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.
Air Bud: who’s the new guy
Clifford: idk but he’s cute
[earlier that day]
Scooby Doo: *texting and driving*
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom