Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
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Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”