Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
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[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)