Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
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“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
crazy
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work