Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
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Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
😆this is so true
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything