Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!

#LaborDay

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

I want this so bad

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

Crafting will have you running around your neighborhood fighting with the local retrievers over the best sticks. i can growl too you lil mfers, i need them for my pagan stick art

My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.