Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

you’re damn right i have

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

Me: I say it will be $750

Hubs: I say $630

Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29

Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!

Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount

I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.