[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
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{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe