[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
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*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs