Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
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In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.