Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
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Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
i smell a pulitzer
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that