Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

“Huge”.

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

Took a good look at my finances.

I won’t make that mistake again.

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”