Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
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The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.