@darkmatter_wimp

*dims the lights so you look like your selfies*

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@ConanOBrien

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

@daemonic3

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

@DammitErin

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

@breatheandlove

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

@Cheeseboy22

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

@HairyJew4Life

Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn’t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?

@Carbosly

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

@Nyx422

This bum said everyone who gives him $10 gets a “special” surprise in the alley.

My gut says no……but my heart says its a puppy!