Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

“Describe your last relationship.”

Tired: like two ships passing in the night.

Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

How animals would run if they were human

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

No, YOUR illiterate.

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

Krampus.