Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…

At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

Oops 🤭

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

take the quarantine challenge!

come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods

Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment

Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw

Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment

Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol