Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

scares

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that

me: not today satin

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

This could’ve been an email.

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.