Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

This can never not be funny 😭😭

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing