Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is