Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7

Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

this is one of the funniest videos of all time

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*