*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
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Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
☠️ ☠️
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
who wore it better?
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment