Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

Yes 😂

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

AM I BEING GASLIT????

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*