Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000

A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.

🤣😂🤣😂

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times

wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring

jeweler: how many karats

bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

mood

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.