[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
You Might Also Like
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I’ll never salute you, General Settings