[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
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My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.