Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

what’s the point then??

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

My mind: You’re 18…

My body: …minutes from death.

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.