Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

Her: No filter!

Me: Add one tho

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]

my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.