[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
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[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
Them: “two heads are better than one”
Me: “nah i’m good here, this one overthinks enough thanks”
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.