[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
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I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*