Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

This one’s “Alex”.

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?

Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao

Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:

oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road