Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

Rich People Podcasts are wild.

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what