[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
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If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.