Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

🫶

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶

SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!

Can’t, holding a grudge

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.