Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?

Me: of course sweetie

3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?

Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!

3: what was your favourite part?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?

3: mine too yay!

Me: yay!

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.

Oh my God.

Uh oh 👀

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

relationship goals

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

Just added something to my bucket list.

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.