[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
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fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Every work meeting this week
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.