Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

real

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

The glory of fall.

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.