Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

Kids: We’re bored!

Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any

me: that’s how good they are

customer: the cage door is open

me: *looking around nervously* oh no

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…

Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

Me: We are a team.

Husband: Yes.

Me: We are in this together.

Husband: OK.

Me: It’s you and me.

Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?

Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.