Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao

Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”

“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman

“£20,000 and she’s all yours”

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.