Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

I remember when the only divisive issue in America was whether you were team werewolf guy or team vampire guy. The rhetoric got pretty heated.

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.

Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.

Me: I’d rather just confess.

Detective: To what?

Me: Whatever