@HatfieldAnne

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

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@Diversion50

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

@platinum2000

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

@HysteriaBarbie

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

@dumbbeezie

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

@DrakeGatsby

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

@michael_hendrix

Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.

@TheAndrewNadeau

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

@FrogAvalanche

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

@Darlainky

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

@shutupheav

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.