Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.