Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
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Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about