Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
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Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I didn’t know they can drive…
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
it is time once again
