Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
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if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?