Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
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writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.