Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

#Caturday

Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys